2002-07-25 - 8:32 a.m.
It's getting harder to rememeber him. Or easier to forget. That's a good thing. I just went back and re-read all of this journal, and I did not get depressed. At one point, I felt like crying, but it passed quickly, and I am fine.
What I am dealing with now is the fact that I still can remember what it felt like to love so intensely, and now have to settle with something much less.
Life isn't so bad. Compared to 98% of the world's population, my life is like Mary Poppins: "Practically perfect in every way". Tomorrow night there will be six or eight other same-sex attracted guys at my house, camping overnight, after which, all day Saturday we will raft down the white water of the American River, in the Sierra foothills of the Sacramento valley. That will be a hoot! Just being with a bunch of guys who "understand" will be great!
I still think of Pedro numerous times each day. but it's not the love I think of mostly. It is a bit of hurt, though. I feel he has been unfair in his total rejection of me. And there is no satisfaction.
I was driving, on my way home from my son's house the other night. Edie was in the passenger seat, half sleeping, as she always does in the car. My mind started to wander. Before I knew it, I was actually having a full-on waking dream - while I was driving! It was a phone call I dreamed about.
"Hello?"
"Estif?"
"Pedrolo!"
"Estif, I am so sorry. So sorry I have been so mean!"
"It means so much to hear you say that! It means so much just to hear your voice!"
"Papi, I miss you so much! I want you! I thought I was doing what was right. I told you I was strong! But I have been so depressed."
"I know how that feels!"
"I know you do, mi papi, and I feel so bad about that! I have thought and thought, and I now know that I want you."
"What do you mean?"
"I want you to come to me, and like I said before, I will take care of you for the rest of your life. I want you!"
"Mi hijo, if you had said that to me even as recently as two weeks ago, I would have been on a plane to Germany the next day. Now it is different. I too have had time to think. Time to heal a bit. You hurt me so bad ... SO BAD!"
"I know, Papi, but..."
"Let me finish. I don't want to be hurt like that again. There are so many differences in our culture. How can I be sure you won't go off the deep end again, when you perceive something I did was "unfeeling or bad" as your culture perceives it? How will I know if you would leave me again?"
"Papi, You KNOW I am honest. You know I tell you the truth. I can't promise that I won't get depressed or misunderstand and overreact, but I can promise you this: I will always love you. I will always come back and ask for forgiveness. And I want you in my life for as long as you live. I love you so much."
"Mi hijo dulce, I love you so much too. And I want to believe you. I really do. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. But before I make a decision that is that life changing, I will have to be more sure. I have been hurt - bad - and I am not willing to enter into something lightly. If, after talking and seeing each other for a year, we still feel so much in love, and still feel like this - then I will be more comfortable about it. Are you willing to wait a year?"
I never heard the answer. I was suddenly "aroused" from my dream.
"Steve, when we get home - blah blah blah," Edie interrupted my dream.
I cried a little to myself, but I was not depressed, and I still am not. It really IS getting easier.
